It was supposed to be a regular checkup. The doctor smeared some goop onto my wife’s abdomen and began surveying for the right angle. A bewildered look on the doctor’s face turned into a scowl of concern as we listened to the stuttering heartbeat.
The ultrasound tech probed in the quiet darkness. Her face was blue, illuminated by the glow of the display. Furrowing her brow in frustration, she was unable to give us an answer, like so many more to come.
Perhaps the unknown was best, giving us time to adjust to the tide turning from hope to despair.
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Good start, Derrick. Man, I'm right there with you. The helpless feeling comes across loud and clear.
Welcome to Scrawlers!
Quiet little moment - an interesting piece of life to try and capture. Some thoughts on clarifying what you're saying:
- Keep it active. Try "surveyed" over "began surveying."
- A "bewildered look" isn't as concrete as it could be. Is there a way to make your reader see what you see?
- Cut "in frustration," as it should already be apparent the tech is frustrated by furrowing her brow.
Good first entry, Derrick. Thanks for joining!
Sorry, Derrick, but editing your story is not yet an option. ALPHA is not just a clever designation. :) We have plans to address these issues in the future, so hang with us.