Read a Story

 
  • Currently 2.0/5 Stars.
1 vote

Terry and Karol

Submitted by Barry about 1 year ago

"You know, I defended you?"

"From what?"

"Death."

"No, I don’t remember that."

Silence.

"Karol, I’ve been hearing some rumors."

"Yeah?"

"What happened with all those kids you betrayed? Why didn't you defend them?"

More silence, this time uncomfortable.

"Misappropriation is the finest form of flattery, Terry."

Terry breaks even more silence.

"My throat hurts."

Karol turns red.

"I gotta go."

  • 322 views

Sign up now to give notes to the Scrawlers you're reading and scrawl your own stories.

2 Notes
Derrick about 1 year ago

Honestly, I just don’t get it.

Barry responded about 1 year ago

I'm not surprised. This is something I wrote a couple years ago during the pope-dying, Terry Schiavo days. I _believe_ the pope defended the helpless minority (Schiavo) while mostly ignoring the helpless victims of the Catholic church (children).

"My throat hurts" is in reference to the claim that Schiavo was feeling no pain at the end of her life. Reads very poorly considering this meeting is presumably in heaven.

I figured I'd post it, warts and all. You're right, the story doesn't stand the test of time.

Nate about 1 year ago

Since you've already commented you don't feel it's the strongest story it could be, I'm going to approach one or two specific elements:

"More silence, this time uncomfortable."

To who? If it's uncomfortable to a character, there must be another way to let the reader SEE the silence become uncomfortable for the character. Likewise, to hand the reader the emotion you want them to feel when something happens in a story won't fly. Create all the emotional tension you like, but it's up to a reader how they feel about it.

I wonder if ellipses would serve this story just as well as the silence narration...

Sign up now!

Please sign up now to take advantage of all Scrawlers' benefits. Write, rate, and leave notes - all for FREE!